Thoughts on Presence
To be present is quite a gift for both ourselves and for those fortunate enough to receive it from us. Understanding our propensity to be present is core to determining what is important and what deserves our energy at any given moment in time.
A Quick Story
Last year, I was enrolled in my company’s internal manager training and education program through eCornell. Seemed like a good way to spend some downtime during a pandemic to go along with my Coaching course and build leadership skills, so why not, right? Inside the Leadership module of the course was a section on Presence. I was definitely looking forward to this one as I have struggled with being present and keeping attention in one place my whole life.
Quick aside about me: I am one of those people who gets fidgety in long, uncomfortable, or deep conversations. My mind easily wanders to things I have to or want to do. For a long time, I didn’t even notice the impact this was having on the nature of the conversation or my ability to actually understand what the person I was talking to was saying. Herein lay another wonderful example of my own immature douche-y approach to being in my early “adulthood”. Pardon my digression…
Back to the presence section in the leadership module (got to love the irony), and of course, I was disappointed to find that the point of the section was to teach me how to PRESENT myself as a leader. The way I groomed and dressed. The eye contact I feigned. The tone of my voice when I spoke. The surface ass shit people see when I am presented to them. Such bullshit and so disappointing. But hey, that’s what you get in today’s corporate environment.
What is Presence Really?
Offering some feedback to the course creator, which is clearly my place to do, real presence comes from your own ability to find stillness. It comes from the ability to create space for someone else who is in YOUR presence and requesting/fortunate enough to receive your attention. Presence is the ability to sit through discomfort and maintain attention and curiosity.
When I talk about presence, I am referring to the attention, time, focus, and energy you give to yourself, an activity you are doing, or to someone else. It is rare, make no mistake about it. My guess is that you THINK you are present for self, thing, or other when the truth is that you’re really only giving half or probably even less than half of what is possible.
It’s ok, you’re human, but recognize that presence actually determines how much you ultimately get from the time you spend on those things or in those interactions. More presence equals more learning, more love, more attraction, more output, more whatever the hell you’re absorbing from or giving to the thing you’re doing.
This is a process. Presence takes self-inquiry and awareness along with deliberate practice and reflection. To start your understanding and journey, here are five questions to ask yourself…
5 Questions to Understand Your Own Ability to be Present:
Do you have the space?
Before anything, it is vital to know that if you do not have the space to be present, you simply cannot be. Hopefully you have already read my more detailed rundown on creating space as it may help with the questioning you are doing here in the context of developing presence. Believe it or not, presence is not something you simply switch a light on and poof, you’re fully in the moment and paying attention. No.
Presence requires that you have been working on creating space for a higher purpose within yourself AND that you’re able to focus that work into a given moment.
Someone who truly understands and practices the concept of presence knows when that space is not available and can effectively communicate where they are to a person or themselves when presence is being demanded/requested of them. Saying no when you are self aware of a lack of space and subsequently, ability to be present in a given moment is way better than pretending and half-assing a presence-requesting situation.
How good are you at managing your energy?
Life is a constant exchange of energy (you may hear me say that a lot so get used to it). This should come as no shock to anyone but we as people have a limited supply of energy. I point this out because us superheroes and get shit done-ers tend to forget. Think of our energy as existing in a reservoir of some kind, if you want.
There are things that we do that take energy out, things we do that put energy in, and things that actually give us a nice flow, in and out, of both (the state is actually called flow — something I’ll dive into one day but that you should definitely check out).
Interestingly, presence can only really be given to things that are giving you energy in some way. Actions consuming your energy will actually check you out of said action.
Here are some examples for me, in case they help:
Things that consume my energy:
- Dealing with other people’s unnecessary drama (colleagues, parents, etc.)
- Meaningless meetings, interactions, assignments or calls at work
- Being taught something I am not interested in learning
Things that give me energy:
- Sleep
- Eating a healthy meal
- Restorative therapy (massage, jacuzzi)
Things where I find flow:
- Exercise
- Presenting or training on a topic I care about
- Learning about something I am interested in
Depending on how much you have done of the things in each of these categories, as they pertain to your own energy exchange, that will determine how much you have left to be present for yourself, for some activity, or for someone else.
Can you self-regulate?
Ok so you have the space to be present and are fully aware of your energy exchanges, groovy (I’m actually bowing to you). Now comes another challenge: Staying present. Maintaining presence is a skill in and of itself as we’re constantly presented (the word play is real) countless things that can come between us and our attention for some thing we’re trying to be present with.
“How much time do I have until that thing I have to do?”
“Man, whatever this person just said makes me really uncomfortable”
“Shit, my ass is really itchy, did I wipe enough this morning?”
“OMG I have such a great point to make, let me interrupt so he can see how smart I am!”
“Wait, what did she just say, I noticed something stuck in my teeth and missed it. Wait what about what she said while I was thinking that? WAITTTT!!”
I won’t even get into the rings, dings, buzzes, and chirps of the technological distractions. Wouldn’t want to overload you…
The point here is that we need to be able to regulate ourselves to maintain presence. Calming our desires, emotions, and reactions to internal and external pulls to stay calm. This is the practice of stillness manifested in real life situations. And guess what? It takes practice and reflection and more practice to get good at.
Quick point of vulnerability — I am writing about it and feel immense impostor syndrome knowing how shitty I still feel sometimes when I don’t self-regulate to keep present. I write about the work I am doing and care about. This is a major effort on my part and continues to be an essential element of my maturation process.
What is your relationship like with your Ego?
Let me begin by saying that I plan to write an entire article on Ego. It’s a big deal (you’ll get the joke when you read the article or decide to learn more on your own). In a very small nutshell, I believe that your relationship with your Ego is the most important relationship your adult, maturing self will ever have.
A healthy relationship with your ego will allow you to stay objective, remove your own self interest, and ultimately maintain presence in your own self discovery and with those fortunate enough to have your energy and attention.
Those who read my last article know that Ryan Holiday and his writings have been a major influence to my way of thinking. Although he is quite adamant about Ego being the Enemy, I don’t think he would disagree with my interpretation that the real enemy is having a shitty relationship with your Ego.
The way I see it, is living in a way that lets your Ego run rampant on your decision making, your actions, and your reactions, will lead you to an anxious, disconnected, and likely narcissistic way of being.
We need to be doing deliberate Ego work. We need to do the radical self inquiry to obtain an understanding of our own egoic state and Ego development. In doing this, we will be far more aware of the way our Ego brings itself into interactions (with self or with others) and disrupts true presence for the sake of its own health.
Afford yourself the time to get to know your Ego and how it impacts the way you interact with the world.
Are you self compassionate?
This is another area where my deliberate work is currently very focused and where I feel it will continue to be for quite some time. Before being able to give presence to someone else, you need to be able to give it to yourself. Before giving presence to yourself, you have to actually love yourself enough to tell everything else to fuck off so that you can focus on the most important thing in your world.
Look, this whole journey starts with you. Your ability to be present in an activity starts with how kind you are to yourself to allow the space and energy. It continues with how much time you’ve given yourself to work on self-regulation techniques and ego relationships.
To be present is a gift (last time, I promise). It is a gift that comes from love. You cannot give genuine gifts of love without first loving yourself.
Again, like all deliberate work, this shit is hard. Being present for yourself or something or someone lucky to have attention you could otherwise be giving yourself is a cultivated and admirable skill. The journey continues and the work is deliberate.
If you’d like to explore more content, coaching, and self exploration with me, please visit my website www.deliberateself.com
