Thoughts on Finding Stillness
There is so much pull in our lives, bringing all of the stress and anxiety we experience each day. Where can we find the time and space to gift ourselves, and others, a calm, present version of ourselves?
When I started writing this article, my mind immediately went to creating some narrative about finding calm during the holidays because it was the end of December and despite my best efforts, I am still human. Fuck that though. Using extreme situations to articulate my point is not where I want to begin my writing journey. That said, as we look back on the holidays and new year celebrations, an honest analysis of how it all went down can indeed be very telling for someone looking to better understand themselves. So if you need to use it, use it.
Building on a previous article about understanding anxiety, I thought following it up with what I believe to be the foundational remedy for an imbalance to our anxiety could be a good place to go. Good news, it really isn’t quantum physics. If anxiety is some form of tension that is created, we would need to relax that tension to alleviate the anxiety. Duh, right? In other words, we need to be calm. We need to find stillness.
How We Grow
Inspired by Ryan Holiday’s Stillness is the Key and his overall take on the stoic philosophy, stillness is our ability to create space within ourselves to do the work necessary in radically inquiring, building awareness, determining what is meaningful, and being able to effectively manage our own stresses and anxiety. It is in our own, well built and well managed container, that we grow up.
Let’s get something very clear. Stillness is not an easy place to get to. In fact, much like the entirety of this growing up thing, it’s really fucking difficult. Ironically enough, deliberately finding stillness requires a lot of energy, in the beginning, in breaking down and getting past current belief systems and habits. This is especially true in this performance-driven, action-oriented society that we live and have grown up in.
Looking back on my adolescence and early adulthood, stillness was the opposite thing I wanted or thought I needed. In high school, if I wasn’t taking 5 AP classes, playing a varsity sport, and in a club or two, I wasn’t going to get into the college I wanted to go to. Then socially, of course, If I wasn’t going to parties, hanging out with friends, or going on dates, I wasn’t going to be cool. Action equaled success. Inaction equaled lazy.
As I got older, priorities slightly shifted but I would still run around and need to feel productive all the time. I mean, there has to be science showing that these kinds of mentalities get ingrained during development, right?
My mind was ever consumed with constantly needing to be doing something or getting something done. Seriously, all the fucking time. In school, this felt necessary (see dual equations above). Socially, I found my connections easier to establish and maintain if I was the one facilitating, trying, and acting. Then came my career development and work life and of course, getting shit done and being recognized for “grinding” is exactly what every corporate ladder climber sets out to do.
Work hard, play hard. That’s the name of the game, right?
Wrong.
Fuck. That. Noise.
The worst part, for me, regardless of what anyone told me, was that I was good at it. I moved, I shook, I got shit done. I prided myself and was validated by others on the efficiency in which I acted. Externally, this was all well and good. I was doing what I always thought I had to do to be successful, socially and professionally. Stillness wasn’t even in my realm of desire or thought. Yup, I was an immature, over zealous, unaware dumb ass.
Zooming In
Taking a step back today, I can much better see the benefits of deliberately creating stillness in my life. It’s important to note as well that the stillness I speak of doesn’t mean “without movement”. There can be stillness in my mind, heart, and soul while meditating, just the same as when I am exercising or playing sports. I can see stillness in the ever-moving ocean or forrest and feel it during a walk in the park. The point here is that stillness can be found anywhere, if you’re deliberately looking for it. Only took me 34 years to figure out how valuable finding it can be.
Ok, now that you know all about me, let’s slow down and deliberately find some stillness while reading this, taking a moment to pause and reflect on yourself before I continue.
First, some questions for you:
- Where are you on the “get shit done as a way of life” spectrum?
- How much stillness do you actually have access to in your life’s routine?
No need to call it good or bad. Simply seek to understand your own, current approach to action and productivity.
What did you come up with? What feelings arise when you think about your own approach to productivity and stillness? What about your current ways do you appreciate? What do you wish was different?
A Quick Exploration of Self
Now let’s do a quick exercise (feel free to close your eyes if you want, after reading the below, and take as much time as you need):
Think about something you really want to accomplish today. This should not be something with a time-stamp (like paying a bill due today or watching a live match on TV), but instead something you’ve decided you need to do. As you think about it, imagine the way in which you plan to get it done.
Now that the image is in your mind. Make the theoretical but firm decision that you will, in fact, NOT do that thing today, instead waiting for tomorrow, the day after, or (gasp) not at all.
More questions…
How does this make you feel? Does this generate more anxiety than you already had? Do you feel a sense of relief? Are you still itching to do that thing today or feeling a bit calm about being able to get to it later or not at all? Did you piss anyone off for the sake of prioritizing your own energy?
Is it possible that the outcome of your now delayed actions makes for a better process and outcome?
Is it possible that the only reason you wanted to get it done today was to soothe some level of anxiety you were feeling?
Is it possible that your projections and fears of the outcome of delaying were ultimately inaccurate?
Deliberately Slowing Down
There is a lot to explore in the simple, mindful decisions of stillness, patience, and learning vs action and anxiety soothing. As we grow, pursue meaning, and continue to deal with the inevitable necessities of living life, there is always a choice as to how to define and approach productivity. A choice as to how to look at a perceived task and respond to any anxiety generated by said perception. Quick “get shit done” action or patient slow growth?
There is a time and a place for both, but as humans, we often let our emotions drive the choice of expedient instead of meaningful action.
See, until recently, I never opted for stillness. Patient and slow growth were not options because they were not in my limited realm of self-awareness. I never even saw the need until I found a partner who saw me in a way that I didn’t see myself. Until I was lucky enough to find a mirror instead of being one for myself.
Responding to or executing on self determined important tasks was an emotionally soothing approach. Stillness, on the other hand, would have required me to sit with the shit I was dealing with and actually learn from myself. Stopping and looking into my own mirror for a moment was far more challenging and I unconsciously would choose the easier path.
Without realizing, this imbalance was forcing me to expend energy in places that did not serve my inner calm. Always looking out. Always pleasing. Always acting. Never slowing down. Never stopping to breathe. Never stopping to think for and understand myself. Remnants of this imbalance still exist in me today, of course (as mentioned, I am human). However self awareness of the options continues to expand as I work toward a more mature , conscious approach to incorporating stillness into my decision making process.
Life is a constant game of deciding where to put our energy. The beauty of stillness is that it affords us the space and time to deliberately decide where that energy is best spent. And get this, in this process, we’re also conserving energy for other growth opportunities, at the same time! Amazingly obvious yet so painfully ignored by our unconscious programming and emotions.
We can only learn when we slow down enough to do so. The ability to find stillness in the midst of an ever so busy existence is a skill necessary for us to grow, mature, and evolve into better people. It is our responsibility as people, parents, partners, and teammates to keep learning and improving ourselves. As Ryan Holiday would say, Stillness is the Key.
If you’d like to explore more content, coaching, and self exploration with me, please visit my website www.deliberateself.com
