Thoughts on Values
For those of us on this life-long learning journey, the values we hold can make or break the impact of our efforts. Deliberately reflecting on our values, as often as possible, is essential to our growth and maturation processes.
In his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Mark Manson basically spends 224 pages explaining the importance of values. He explains that it is in truly understanding and sticking to what we value that we are able to direct our energy (fucks we give) to the things that are most in service of those values. From there, we can more easily divert our energy away (not give a fuck) from things that are not in service of said values. Very simple formula. Definitely read that book.
Yet it is in an article that Manson writes about Personal Values, where a desire to satirize Adolf Hitler really highlighted values in a way that made a lot of sense to me. In the article, Manson writes:
“Achieving success in life is not nearly as important as our definition of success. If our definition of success is horrific — like, say, world domination and slaughtering millions — then working harder, setting and achieving goals, and disciplining our minds all become a bad thing. If you remove the moral horrors from Hitler, on paper, he’s one of the most successful self-made people in world history.”
Values are important, absolutely, but we need to constantly be checking ourselves in what values we hold and live by, to ensure those values are not ruining our lives or the lives of others.
Many of the books I have read that focus on personal development, allude to the importance of values in some way. I highlight Manson because his writing really resonates with me and I find him hilarious. Yet Manson, along with others I admire like Brené Brown, Ryan Holiday, Jordan Peterson, Parker Palmer, and Jerry Colonna, they all focus on values. The brightest minds of our self-help time understand that it is through healthy values that we have the ability to live healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling lives.
My thoughts as I write this come from what I’ve learned about values from these beacons of knowledge. They come from what I have experienced about my values in my partnership with my fiancé. They come from time I have spent thinking about the values that have NOT served me in my life.
It is in the reflection on my poorly absorbed or chosen values that I most understand my growth process.
Exploring our values is a deep and revealing process. Step one is to understand what values are out there and begin to match them to who we’ve been, who we are, and who we want to be. To get a feel for what values are out there, Brené Brown has a wonderful list she offers to supplement her work on determining your values in her book and program Dare to Lead.
Once we have a good grip on values, the work can begin.
Quick side note: I am going to hone in on three core values at each stage of this exploration process. There are, of course, more values that we utilize, yet I have found that drilling down to three core values from which all others are built under is the easiest way for me to understand. Brené Brown talks about two core values, other exercises have us claim ten. My intention is not to limit the values we identify but rather hone in on the ones most impactful for us.
What Values Have I Been Taught?
Here is where we start. Why? Because we cannot know what we value today or how to pursue the values we strive for without a deep examination of our past.
What did our parents value?
What about our friends?
What values have we learned from work and our career paths?
These may have been intentionally absorbed or taken on completely unconsciously. Regardless, they are vital for understanding the way our values impact our past and current ways of thinking.
There is some radical honesty required here (I use this term a lot, it should almost be a given when we do reflection exercises). There is also the need for some serious self-compassion (same deal), for those of us looking to mature and evolve in our values.
Here is my values story.
As a kid, my three primary learned values were my image, consideration of others, and kindness. This was from a combination of what my parents valued and what I picked up in my social conditioning.
Sure, it could have been very different and far more unhealthy given different circumstances and influences. Yet in my reflection and honest analysis of these core values, I see the lack of maturity that comes from these being the basis of my behavior and action.
What comes up for you when you think of your three core values that you learned, growing up?
For me, there is inherently something limiting maturation from having externally dependent values. Image is a great example of this. Constant energy put toward the way I look or the way others perceive me would sacrifice energy being put toward character and integrity. Similarly, being considerate of others is nice on the surface, but in a similar energy sacrifice, I took away the focus on my own needs and struggled setting necessary healthy boundaries.
While I recognize there are far more layers to pull back in the analysis process here, the point I want to make about values we are taught is that they stick with us. They infuse our decision making, our emotions, and our behaviors. I still struggle with putting energy into my image instead of my character. I definitely still struggle with boundaries. The only way to develop new values is through a deliberate understanding and replacement process.
For a more in-depth process on values exploration, check out my Aspiring Leader Guide.
What Are My Current Values?
First, it’s important to surrender to the necessary patience required for this exploration process. It will take time to sift through the values learned throughout childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. There were a lot of different people and experiences striving to infuse us with values at each phase of our impressionable youth. Take the time to deliberately learn yourself and continue that learning.
So we have an understanding of what values we grew up with and naturally live in us. Cool. Moving on.
In parallel to the understanding of past values, there is also the now. The values we hold today. This is going to be some combination of what values we’ve always held with values demanded by current life situations.
Finding three core values that we live by today is no small task. There is no right or wrong (unless you’re on that Hitler path). The intention in exploring your values is to get a handle on the things that drive your life and your decision making, the things that are important to you. Again, the key is to be radically honest (last reminder).
Working with a coach is one way to do this. Another way would be any number of current values defining/exploring exercises on our own. Both require being constantly attuned to self. They require on-going awareness. It is a deliberate effort and it never stops.
What I have learned is that my values are both the foundation of my journey and the catalysts for my evolution. Values are the principles by which we live our lives. We live in a fast-moving world. Caught up in the stresses, anxieties, and demands of daily life, we are often unable to identify (or remember) what is really important for us.
We don’t live our lives in alignment with our values and then we wonder why we feel unbalanced, overwhelmed, or why things aren’t working.
A helpful place to start in the exploration of our current values is in analyzing what we do with our time and energy. The way we spend our time and choose to give our energy are typically strong indicators of our values.
What do we do when we first wake up in the morning?
What is our routine to begin the work day?
What does our leisure time look like?
The three most important values that I live by today are self-discipline, health, and efficiency. My time and energy allocation reflects these, more often than not. Quite a shift from young, immature me and I am damn proud of it.
When I find myself acting outside of those values, I struggle. When I find myself falling back on my image or needing to be a considerate nice guy, I give myself a hard time. My emotions are impacted. Yet even in knowing my current values and keeping an awareness of when I miss the mark on them, I also recognize that I am allowed to slip up. I am, after all, human.
The important thing is to keep reflecting. To keep maturing those values.
What Values Am I Working Toward?
Thought we were done?
Nope. We do life-long work here, remember?
My intention is to get better. As a result, my values must get better with me. So I ask myself…
What are the three most important values that a better version of me would like to live by one day?
Really not an easy question to answer. My future values also have a way of changing, the more I live and learn. Yet I keep asking because I want to be better. I want to grow and mature and evolve emotionally to live from a higher self.
This is what I want. My guess is that if you’ve actually read this far it is what you want as well. Perhaps in different ways, but you likely catch my drift.
Simply in knowing that there’s ALWAYS growing up to do, I seek to establish a value of learning. This is a value that, ironically, I didn’t have in school nor in my early career days. Today, however, it is a value that I recognize to be vital to my life long growth process. Am I always living through a value of learning? Nope, not yet. But that the intention. Similar to how I feel about the way I listen and to my integrity. Values that I recognize are embodiments of my higher self, yet not quite in me yet.
Notice that we’ve gone from values exploration to values evolution. Important to note that neither process ends, nor can one exist without the other. Part of this value evolution work is having an intention for a future self. No crystal balls involved, but an honest “this is who I want to be, given what I know now” assessment should be a regular part of the effort. The result of that assessment should be in line with the values that future self would hold.
Similar to the current values work from before, understanding the way we want our future time and energy to be spent can be a good indicator of what values to pursue. Want to travel the world or live a life of luxury? Financial freedom may be a good value to pursue. Want a strong, healthy relationship? Listening and integrity may be the values for which to aim.
As long as it isn’t the extermination of a group of people (or some other fucked up value that harm others in its pursuit), a commitment to this future self through a recognition and evolution of healthy values can be an ongoing beneficial component of the self-development process.
Valuing the Process
As I have mentioned, and will continue to mention, this work isn’t easy. There is no end. There is no winning or losing (again, unless you’re a piece of shit, like Hitler). Our values are a reflection of where we come from, where we are, and where we’re going. They are also a reflection of the work we put into understanding ourselves and what we want out of this life.
Sure, we can let it ride and see where it all nets out in the end. This is the easy road and it is always available to us.
Sadly, the majority of people choose this easy path.
Growing up is hard. Having strong values and living by them is even harder. It is a deliberate path and is how we find meaning and purpose as human beings. It is the source of love and healthy connection. Our values, intentionally understood and evolved, guide our maturity. If you’re reading this, my guess is that you are aware of this work and give a shit enough to have begun it for yourself.
Thank you.
For a deeper dive into values and the exploration path, check out The Deliberate Path of an Aspiring Leader exploration guide.
